Robots Don't Sleep

I feel like I’ve finally unpacked my room. I have lived in this house since June of last year, and I finally feel like my room is mine. I finally have things on my walls and all of my stuff is organized in a way that I’m happy with. My friend Alexis helped me go through my closet and all my boxes on Sunday and move shit around, and I’m super thankful for her help. It’s a strange thing but I feel like I’m at another life milestone. I’m not sure what it is yet but I can feel that a new chapter has opened up.

No, it’s not because of the room.

But, waking up this morning I did feel like I was in a new place and I had a new set of goals ahead of me, which felt pretty good. For a long time here I felt like I was just cruising along – happy, but missing some sense of fulfillment. I spent the first half of this year singing and playing guitar at open mic nights and it awakened this old, strange longing that I have for a stage to perform on – being able to open myself up to strangers beneath the hot lights in a room without any sort of barrier. It was the start of a spark that has culminated into this plan, this reminder of the things I need to do while I’m still alive. There isn’t a particular order, but I feel like I’ve neglected it for too long to not start pushing myself to check some things off.

First thing is to get back to my high school weight and try to have some fucking pride in my body. In the last 5 or so years I’ve gone back and forth with this shit and right now I’m on a mission to acquire some confidence in myself and the way I look. I have a long way to go but it needs to be done. It’s not really a want anymore – I have too many other things to do to let this get in my way.

Another thing is to find more creative outlets. I’ve been able to meet this goal with my podcast, which has been going strong for 10 episodes so far, and we’re on our way to wrapping up the first “season” in a couple weeks. After a short break and possibly a “best-of” or “b-sides” release, we’ll get started again. Honestly, I know that what I’m doing with the podcast isn’t exactly significant in any huge way and I don’t expect it to be anything more than a fun thing that my friends and I do on the weekends. It’s become a really fun hobby though and I’m glad that some people enjoy it.

I also want to address that I really, truly appreciate the friends that have supported me in these strange things. The local friends that have come to see me perform at open mic, the ones that spontaneously grab a bowl of Pho with me, the ones that have taken the time to listen to my podcast – I can’t express exactly how much it means to me, but it does. I’ve also been kind of heartbroken to not receive much support from some of my older friends, specifically with the podcast. Honestly, I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. But, I like to think that I’d listen to your shitty podcast if you decided that you wanted to make one. If a friend writes or stars in a shitty movie, I’m going to go see that shitty movie. Hell, I’m going to buy the shitty DVD. If a friend publishes a shitty book, I’m going to buy that shitty book, put it on my shelf, and recommend it to everyone I know. I mean, come on… at least pretend that you tried to give a shit.

It’s hard to see old friends turn into acquaintances, as if you’re watching their lives unfold from behind a thick glass.

This was the first sentence I wrote to help me get started writing this blog post, but now it feels out of place and somewhat bitter. I promise it’s not my intention, but I feel like I’m travelling at a much different pace in life. Like I said, I’ve been coasting along for a while and searching for some sense of fulfillment, and it’s strange to see others fly by in a blur while I’m still in first gear.

Today was the beginning of my third week straight of going to the gym and my attempt to sustain an active lifestyle. Between weightlifting, running, and biking on the weekend, I’ve been surprised at how little effort it has taken. It seems to have fallen into my every day routine, and it’s very refreshing to know that I haven’t met any real challenges in trying to meet my goal. This isn’t very fitting, but a lyric just came on iTunes that says “Pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it.” I thought it was kind of interesting.

I’m kind of anxious for the presidential elections to be over. I think almost everyone can agree that it’s turned into a bit of a circus. I guess I’m generally tired of political strategy getting in the way of real issues, and the use of gimmicks and distractions by both presidential candidates. I have no doubt in my mind that Obama will be our next president come election day, but I feel like I’ve been following this 20-month road only for it to turn into a round-about discussion about nothing at the very end. I know who I’m voting for, and I’m tired of hearing about it all.

On a side note, I’ve also been getting back into playing guitar recently. My playing has been sparse at best in the past couple years, and I feel like I have a renewed interest in learning new songs and trying to improve myself. Maybe it’s a trend in life – when you try to improve yourself in one area, you start developing a want to improve in other areas as well. The only downside is that I haven’t had much time outside of work and the gym to explore other opportunities, like making friends and meeting girls. Oh well.

I noticed an interesting thing while biking these past two weekends. I used to take a lot of time out of my days in the past to reflect on things, and over the last year or so I’ve digressed a bit from that. I used to sit and listen to music while writing; I used to write music; I used to walk places and spend time alone in preparation for what I thought my soon-to-be future would be. Now, in riding 20-plus miles a week, I’ve had time to really be on my own, alone in my environment and I’ve had time to really think. It’s refreshing, but I have found myself thinking where hours of my time have gone. Whereas I would usually attribute this loss in time to surfing the internet or something as time-consuming and relatively pointless, I now can be proud that I’m actually moving toward a positive goal that I’ve set. A week from now, I hope that I can say that I’m starting my fourth week of bettering myself – in discipline and in persistence.

This weekend was spent on a nice, short trip home to see family that I haven’t seen in years. Reunions aren’t really my thing, but it was relaxing to spend an entire day at a lake in the mountains. Between barbequeing, not catching any fish, drinking with relatives, and playing guitar in the rain, I have to say that it was a success. It’s so strange any time I go back home, but this time I got to meet a ton of new people, and the definite lack of stress that comes with fishing in the mountains was welcomed with open arms.

The weirdest part about this weekend was seeing everyone grown up. It’s amazing how much 2-5 years can change people – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It also forced me to take an introspective look at myself and how much I’ve changed over the years. I won’t go into any details, but it was probably the first time I’ve dug that deep into myself without sinking into a slump. Turning myself inside out was never this painless, and it was never this rewarding. I didn’t think my perspective could get much fresher, but it did, and it was a pretty amazing experience.

Also, I saw The Dark Knight twice, and am planning on seeing it again – hopefully in IMAX. That movie has restored my faith in a lot of ways, and it will remain in my mind for a long time as one of the first great things I have experienced here in California. The first of many. Right along with watching the sun set behind the ocean. Right along with conquering my first mountain on a bike.

For now, I just need to work on taking things one step at a time.