Robots Don't Sleep

I feel like I’ve finally unpacked my room. I have lived in this house since June of last year, and I finally feel like my room is mine. I finally have things on my walls and all of my stuff is organized in a way that I’m happy with. My friend Alexis helped me go through my closet and all my boxes on Sunday and move shit around, and I’m super thankful for her help. It’s a strange thing but I feel like I’m at another life milestone. I’m not sure what it is yet but I can feel that a new chapter has opened up.

No, it’s not because of the room.

But, waking up this morning I did feel like I was in a new place and I had a new set of goals ahead of me, which felt pretty good. For a long time here I felt like I was just cruising along – happy, but missing some sense of fulfillment. I spent the first half of this year singing and playing guitar at open mic nights and it awakened this old, strange longing that I have for a stage to perform on – being able to open myself up to strangers beneath the hot lights in a room without any sort of barrier. It was the start of a spark that has culminated into this plan, this reminder of the things I need to do while I’m still alive. There isn’t a particular order, but I feel like I’ve neglected it for too long to not start pushing myself to check some things off.

First thing is to get back to my high school weight and try to have some fucking pride in my body. In the last 5 or so years I’ve gone back and forth with this shit and right now I’m on a mission to acquire some confidence in myself and the way I look. I have a long way to go but it needs to be done. It’s not really a want anymore – I have too many other things to do to let this get in my way.

Another thing is to find more creative outlets. I’ve been able to meet this goal with my podcast, which has been going strong for 10 episodes so far, and we’re on our way to wrapping up the first “season” in a couple weeks. After a short break and possibly a “best-of” or “b-sides” release, we’ll get started again. Honestly, I know that what I’m doing with the podcast isn’t exactly significant in any huge way and I don’t expect it to be anything more than a fun thing that my friends and I do on the weekends. It’s become a really fun hobby though and I’m glad that some people enjoy it.

I also want to address that I really, truly appreciate the friends that have supported me in these strange things. The local friends that have come to see me perform at open mic, the ones that spontaneously grab a bowl of Pho with me, the ones that have taken the time to listen to my podcast – I can’t express exactly how much it means to me, but it does. I’ve also been kind of heartbroken to not receive much support from some of my older friends, specifically with the podcast. Honestly, I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. But, I like to think that I’d listen to your shitty podcast if you decided that you wanted to make one. If a friend writes or stars in a shitty movie, I’m going to go see that shitty movie. Hell, I’m going to buy the shitty DVD. If a friend publishes a shitty book, I’m going to buy that shitty book, put it on my shelf, and recommend it to everyone I know. I mean, come on… at least pretend that you tried to give a shit.

It’s hard to see old friends turn into acquaintances, as if you’re watching their lives unfold from behind a thick glass.

This was the first sentence I wrote to help me get started writing this blog post, but now it feels out of place and somewhat bitter. I promise it’s not my intention, but I feel like I’m travelling at a much different pace in life. Like I said, I’ve been coasting along for a while and searching for some sense of fulfillment, and it’s strange to see others fly by in a blur while I’m still in first gear.

Today was the beginning of my third week straight of going to the gym and my attempt to sustain an active lifestyle. Between weightlifting, running, and biking on the weekend, I’ve been surprised at how little effort it has taken. It seems to have fallen into my every day routine, and it’s very refreshing to know that I haven’t met any real challenges in trying to meet my goal. This isn’t very fitting, but a lyric just came on iTunes that says “Pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it.” I thought it was kind of interesting.

I’m kind of anxious for the presidential elections to be over. I think almost everyone can agree that it’s turned into a bit of a circus. I guess I’m generally tired of political strategy getting in the way of real issues, and the use of gimmicks and distractions by both presidential candidates. I have no doubt in my mind that Obama will be our next president come election day, but I feel like I’ve been following this 20-month road only for it to turn into a round-about discussion about nothing at the very end. I know who I’m voting for, and I’m tired of hearing about it all.

On a side note, I’ve also been getting back into playing guitar recently. My playing has been sparse at best in the past couple years, and I feel like I have a renewed interest in learning new songs and trying to improve myself. Maybe it’s a trend in life – when you try to improve yourself in one area, you start developing a want to improve in other areas as well. The only downside is that I haven’t had much time outside of work and the gym to explore other opportunities, like making friends and meeting girls. Oh well.

I noticed an interesting thing while biking these past two weekends. I used to take a lot of time out of my days in the past to reflect on things, and over the last year or so I’ve digressed a bit from that. I used to sit and listen to music while writing; I used to write music; I used to walk places and spend time alone in preparation for what I thought my soon-to-be future would be. Now, in riding 20-plus miles a week, I’ve had time to really be on my own, alone in my environment and I’ve had time to really think. It’s refreshing, but I have found myself thinking where hours of my time have gone. Whereas I would usually attribute this loss in time to surfing the internet or something as time-consuming and relatively pointless, I now can be proud that I’m actually moving toward a positive goal that I’ve set. A week from now, I hope that I can say that I’m starting my fourth week of bettering myself – in discipline and in persistence.

Today I made a promise to myself, and I intend not to break it.

I am going to wake up at 6:30am every day before work for the next two weeks and go to the gym. I know it’s going to be tough, but I have Scott doing this with me, so it won’t be so bad. I realized that I definitely need someone to make this committment with me in order for me to see it through. I hope that I can adjust to going to bed early from now on.

Well, wish me luck. Tomorrow is my first day.

I thought I had been doing alright for a little bit in terms of my weight. Around this time last year, I lost about 25 pounds and I was feeling good. I was working out a bit, not a lot, but enough so that I was actually feeling active and good about myself. Then, of course, winter came around and I gained a bit of it back. After Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my trip to Austin in January, I wasn’t doing too well keeping up with my weight.

So once again, I tried going back to working out a bit and just watching what I ate. This time, I was able to lose a bit and maintain it for a while, but eventually my laziness caught up with me. In the past 2 months I’ve gained most of it back and I’m almost back to where I was a year ago (before the weight loss). I blame it on senioritis and the stress of finding a new job and moving.

I figured, enough is enough. I’m out here in California now with a new job and I realized that now is as good a time as any to get back in shape. So, I joined a gym and I got a few sessions with a personal trainer to get a workout plan and a diet going. Yesterday was my first day with the PT but I have another meeting scheduled for tomorrow after work. Hopefully it goes well, and I can keep this up. I’m feeling pretty tired right now, which is definitely a good thing since I can actually start going to bed a bit earlier than normal.

Also, I bought the domain http://www.robotsdontsleep.net today, so I’ll probably be migrating there very soon. No one really reads this anyway, so I’m thinking that I will just migrate entries over there and then sort of start fresh with actual readers. Sound like a plan? Great.